Job Description Clarification

I felt enormous pressure as a child and teenager to be an example for others. It was a mandate at school: "Fifth graders! You have got to show the younger children what a responsible student acts like!" We even had responsible student badges, RS badges—an external symbol of model behavior. 

Sidebar: I planned and lead a protest against RS badges when the PE teacher unilaterally took every 5th graders' badge for the behavior of a few. Apparently justice has always been important to me.

Being president of the Student Council in 5th grade and 8th grade upped the ante for me.(I remained in elected leadership positions throughout high school.)

My commitment to being, dare I use the "P" word

-perfect- crossed another, even more critical status. I believed with every ounce of my tender heart that I needed to be so exemplary that it would lead people to life everlasting. 

Quite simply. If I didn't make Jesus look good, people would go to HELL.

To have such influence and power? I chuckle and cringe simultaneously. 

Now. Before hackles go up and teeth are bared....I am NOT saying these are inherently bad things and that my life is a wasteland as a result. Positive role models have always been and remain valuable in my life. My faith also has space for a place where accountability and actions do matter. Representing Christ well is important to me.

Full disclosure....I am and have always been extraordinarily sensitive to the emotional responses of people around me. Coupled with hyper-vigilant duty to be an example to well, EVERYONE in the entire world, I was a prime candidate for co-dependency.

Make the family look good. Make your teachers happy. Be smart. Be funny. Be skinny. Never cuss. Like everyone. Never brag. Be perfect. Be confident. Be humble. Never lie. Have nice manners. Never hurt people. Always forgive. Be stylish, never vain. Feel deeply, just never be angry. Make everyone like you. Be smart. Make all A's. Memorize the whole Bible. Never alienate anyone. Don't tell people your secrets. Smile.

If you can't be perfect, at least try.

No wonder I was exhausted and burned out by the time I hit my mid 20's! I had to find a better way to live. I sought the help of a therapist who with great wisdom, helped me see with new eyes and recognize patterns that were injuring both me and others.

Fast forward to now. I'm 50. I understand what hooks me into that push-pull of being needed and feeling compelled to save everyone from everything—especially themselves. But understanding and response are two different issues.

In the past weeks since I started writing this, there have been innumerable events I was not only tempted to revert to "saving" someone; but, several times I felt my feet dancing that familiar tango. It feels natural. I'm really good at it too. UNTIL I either dance too long and experience the negatives or simply remember that not only am I unable to do someone else's emotional work. I CANNOT do it. Ever.

This is not a random segway.

I started recognizing the voice of the Spirit in my life during my late 30's. It was there all along. My inner world was so muddled with constant chatter and anxiety that I couldn't discern what was what. That process of learning was a daily effort. Eventually I knew that when I had a thought that is sane and much wiser than my normal inner voice, it probably wasn't from me. I do not hear a thunderous male voice like James Earl Jones. No. It's my voice, just better. It's never shaming and is always loving. I began to acknowledge that as God's directive to me.

God knows I'm naturally rebellious. Most everything from the Spirit comes to me in the way of questions or considerations.

Here are some examples. "Lori. I want you to consider changing your eating habits." "Lori, you love yoga. Why haven't you gone lately?" "I wonder if I need to be a better friend to_____(fill in the blank)?" "Today would be a great day to call___"

The best thing that ever happened to my inner world was realizing that I am not the Holy Spirit. (That's really funny if you were raised in church, btw.)

Realizing that it was not my job, nor did God expect me to move the hearts of people helped me more than any Bible lesson I'd ever sat through. (I went to church on Wednesdays and TWICE on Sundays.)

Had I not learned that I have limited ability to control others before motherhood, I'd have quickly learned that from a colicky baby.

When I understood my job better, I experienced freedom. I am grateful for knowing that my job is simply to love. 

But...

finding that balance of how to love well is a lifetime commitment. Being empathetic is necessary to love well. We're all flawed which results in being hurt and sad when others fall short of their best. If I flatten my ability to feel hurt, I also flatten my ability to feel joy.

Maybe there are people that can do love without help. I'm not one of them.

Each day before my feet touch the carpet, I ask God to increase the capacity in my heart to love. I also ask for help to love well. Most days that involves a lot less talking. Biting my tongue a lot. More listening. And praying more than ever. 

And asking forgiveness more than I wish I had to. Anne Lamott said it better than I: 

Earth is Forgiveness School. You might as well start at the dinner table. That way, you can do this work in comfortable pants. When Blake said that we are here to learn to endure the beams of love, he knew that your family would be an intimate part of this, even as you want to run screaming for your cute little life. But that you are up to it. You can do it, Cinderellie. You will be amazed.