Reminder to Self and Maybe to Other Mothers

Yesterday was Mother's Day. If I'd forgotten somehow, then Facebook would have reminded me of this occasion for the last four or five days.

I have almost a thousand Facebook "friends". I'd say I've read at least 600 posts wishing their own mother a wonderful day. Some addressed a mother on earth, others mention a mom in Heaven. I noticed that some people who do not regularly post have switched their profile shot to a picture of their own mother or posted the rare comment.

Here's what I HAVE NOT seen....

"Happy Mother's Day, Mom! I hope when I'm your age, I too have six pack abs!"

"Mom! I am the person I am today because you always drove a BMW."

"My mother is the best Mom because she never had a double chin and wore perfectly starched shirts to school parties."

"My grandmother is the greatest because she looks like she could be my twin--no wrinkles!"

Now, for those of you that have beautiful, wonderful moms or grandmothers with six pack abs and look like your twin, I am not criticizing. I'm simply pointing out something that screamed to me in post after post after post.

The common denominator in all the posts was love. 

It's been another reminder that although we clearly value love, both giving and receiving, we as a culture often spend more time cultivating unobtainable, unrealistic goals as individuals. 

Mother's day is my reminder that I should seek healthy options so that I can live life fully. That said.......If I narrow down the mind chatter, I have to be honest and admit that so much of my valuable energy is wasted on the kind of stuff that doesn't get mentioned at memorials or days of being honored or in quiet moments of reflection.

But, if I love well, LOVE has implications both now and for eternity. Loving well is the hardest work we do; but, based on Facebook posts about moms and grandmothers love is what matters most.

PS....anyone out there want to throw in their motherhood card today or was it just me??? GAH. Love is hard.

Ifs and Woulda Beens

I woke up singing this song inaudibly today.

“Great is Thy Faithfulness, Oh God my Father.

Morning by morning new mercies I see.”

My woulda-been-a-versary was January 23rd. A Saturday, just as it started those 28 years ago. I walked down the aisle in a custom pure white hand beaded gown complete with a cathedral train all meticulously sewn by Mom. (minus the beads. I didn't have the time or patience to hand sew them. I glued them on! I'm a pragmatist.The dress will be worn once.) Pipe organ and trumpet filled the sanctuary with that glorious anthem. Exactly as I’d dreamed.

During this season I find myself asking important questions with no real certainty or angst that an answer will be available. I know two things:

1.    My decision was correct.

2.    I am aware of God’s faithfulness in ways I would have never imagined.

What if bubbles up on an uneventful Monday morning.
What if I'd married someone else?
What if I would have.....?

I call Mom and the first thing she said was, “Today woulda been Memo and Dado’s 79^th anniversary.” 

The if morphed to woulda been.

What a celebration that woulda been.

Woulda beens.

Ifs.

Ouch.

What do we do with those?

Today, in a hotel room, alone with my thoughts and computer, I find great comfort and answers in music. Hymns.

Ifs are sometimes snags. “…Precious Lord, take my hand.”

Some are stitches in a larger pattern. “….leave to thy God to order and provide.”

Some are important milestones in becoming human. “…mold me, make me after Thy will.”

Some are gaping holes that make no sense and make us fear that all is ruined. “…when sorrows like sea billows roll.”

Some woulda beens bring deep comfort in believing that celebration is happening in the now…together, whole, free. “…what a day of rejoicing that will be!”

I’m playing Gaither Homecoming videos on a YouTube stream. They are hokey, predictable, and the video quality improves vastly as they learn from their mistakes—much like me. They’re reminders of who I am.

I was born into a heritage of Christian faith. It wasn’t always orthodox or informed. It was sometimes harsh and judgmental. But, always it was steadfast, earnest, and sincere. I’ve continued in the faith with my whole-hearted effort to weave my story into the larger story of family and Family.

Hymns evoke emotions. Voices. Faces. Laughter

What would my life have been without hymns?

With a piano introduction, I can name the hymn and recall so many voices—Dado’s country bass. "I will cling to the old rugged cross."

Memo’s barely audible alto. "....what a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer."

Mom’s melodious soprano, "...all I have needed thy hand hath provided. Great is Thy Faithfulness."

Dad’s mellow baritone, "...I once was lost, but now I'm found."

Carol switching to whatever part she heard me singing, "...is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more.....It is well with my soul."

Specific images are burned in my memory of looking up with a craned neck to see all of them in Sunday’s best. 

I can see Scott sticking out his tongue at me just behind Mom or Dad. "...that saved a (tongue sticking out) like me."

I loved sitting during hymns, bending low, peering beneath the pew admiring shoes—trying to match the voice with the shoes.

Skipping ahead to a time when the hymn was used to enhance a worship song in my weekly church service, I see both my grandmothers at Mom and Dad’s current home sitting on the green leather sectional watching these very videos—Christmas gifts enjoyed over and over. I see their hairless, wrinkled skin draped smoothly against polyester blouses.

Grandmother had great difficulty expressing her love with words. But I knew then, and now, her tears meant something.

"...can we find a friend so faithful, who will all our sorrows share?"

Only she knew.

This memory invokes ardent joy and mourning to gently ask that irretrievable question. Why are you crying?

Gaither Homecoming was a favorite in our marriage. Mom and Dad took us to a live event once. Another time I got tickets for one of Richard’s birthdays, maybe his 39^th? We had CDs and we watched the videos on some television channel. We preferred watching—the camera zooming in on audience singer(s) with light and smiles in their eyes. Lots of tears hovering, waiting for a blink to release them. We knew we were nerdy. At the concert we were the toddlers. We didn’t care. Which produces a smile. I hear his reedy, nasal tones—more pleasant than my words convey. 

                “Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine…”

Over a decade since then with entire years of destruction, rage, depletion, and re-building.

“Oh, joy that seekest me through pain.

I cannot close my heart to thee.”

Richard’s story is intertwined with mine, even with a legal document that severed the marriage.

My tapestry. No. Quilt works better for my heritage. Even with the black thread from charred remains, there are 21 years of red, orange, green, and indigo threads.

“I trace the rainbow through the rain…”

I’m wired for reasons, resolution, and redemption. My mind drifts….

“…pardon for sin and a peace that endureth…..strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow.”

Today after an evening of wondering what if? I come back to a place long held that is strengthened by music.

“Jesus loves me, THIS I know.”

Love is the thread that connects and intertwines all these songs.

What if I married……?

What if I waited longer…?

What woulda been?

What anchors me today as I mourn and rejoice—that paradox of Christian living is this:

“O LOVE that will not let me go.

I rest my weary soul in thee.

I give thee back the life I owe,

That in thy ocean depths its flow may richer, fuller be.

ONE love that will never let me go. I rest in the confidence that despite all, He dwells in the consequence. In the snags and gaping holes; whether by my choice or by my mistake or by life’s cruelty.

“…the promise is not vain, that mourn shall tearless be

I trust this. 

And song makes it breathe.

And this video is the string that sews this all together. 

I'm the Sally Field of Facebook

I'm still pondering social media. My friend Dawn's comment that she uses Facebook as a sort of life newspaper made great sense. I do that too. And yet, I think.... Strike that I know that I use it interactively.

I like feedback from others. I loved seeing those metal stars—the ones you lick on the back—placed on my papers at Dwight D. Eisenhower Elementary School. Getting report cards and reading what my teachers had to say about me was exciting. Although I cannot recall my very first emotional response to being on stage, I know that hearing an audience laugh at a well delivered line and then hearing applause at curtain hooked me into performing.

I haven't worked in an office setting for years. I enjoyed clutching a cup of coffee and chatting about last night's episode of ER or hearing someone tell me a story about a mischievous child. As the receptionist at an ad agency in Portland, I was happy when people would hover in my area and kibitz. I am amused easily and I get a kick out of hearing stories and sharing mine. 

Last week I experienced a first. I used the last bit of dental floss and threw away an empty container.

TWICE IN ONE DAY!!

(FYI. I keep dental floss in multiple places in my home and car. Dental work necessity.)

I've never asked a single person this question:

“How many empty containers of dental floss have you tossed out?”

But, deep in the profound recesses of my philosophical mind, I knew this was rare and worthy of some kind of reward. 

I couldn't tell my dentist because that's admitting that for 49 other years I wasn't flossing regularly. I wonder how many empty spools of floss a dentist throws away annually?

You feel a little silly calling someone to brag about hygiene. Only a rare friend really wants to listen to that. I would be that friend, though, just in case you reach a life milestone with a bizarre twist. Cuz really. There are 5000 miles of floss on one spool!

It was text worthy, for sure. Mary would instantly text something back far wittier than anything I could have thought of hours after the conversation. But, what do you do when your gut is pleading for more than one high five? 

POST ON FACEBOOK!

It’s the best licky star ever. Hearing that pleasant metallic gong when someone likes your comment. And again. Again. Driving to carpool line. Parking the car to see 10 notifications in your window. TEN FRIENDS are proud of me! FIFTEEN FRIENDS think I’m funny. FIVE FRIENDS like AND comment. We’re exchanging witty banter! I’m so popular! Everyone likes me.

We all extrapolate what we post. In response, we can also interpret a like or a comment in the way that works for us as well. That can be true in the positive or the negative. "Oh! He thinks I'm funny!" Or “Well, she has no sense of humor anyway.” She’s hidden. Or if she’s just not funny at all, ever, UNFRIENDED.

My point? Take the grain of salt approach. Is social media interaction fun? Yes. Is it validating? Yes. It can be. It can also be extraordinarily helpful too. When I was needing advice for my trial on my best option for bags under my eyes, I got a ton of great advice. I learned that Preparation H with biodyne, only sold in Canada or foreign markets is THE BEST KEPT SECRET IN THE UNIVERSE!! 

If, however, I attach my personal value to the comments or likes or thumbs up of others, then I’ve got some rocky living ahead. Social commentary is a precarious anchor for your self esteem.

Our world is jacked up. I find it astonishing that even with great education about bullying, more than ever adults bully each other on social media without reservation and with entitlement.

But let me be very clear. When I post that I get extra credit for reading Jonathon Franzen’s newest tome since it’s in .17 point type, please like and comment. Because his 600 pages are like 5 volumes of a Brittanica. With NO PICTURES.

Job Description Clarification

I felt enormous pressure as a child and teenager to be an example for others. It was a mandate at school: "Fifth graders! You have got to show the younger children what a responsible student acts like!" We even had responsible student badges, RS badges—an external symbol of model behavior. 

Sidebar: I planned and lead a protest against RS badges when the PE teacher unilaterally took every 5th graders' badge for the behavior of a few. Apparently justice has always been important to me.

Being president of the Student Council in 5th grade and 8th grade upped the ante for me.(I remained in elected leadership positions throughout high school.)

My commitment to being, dare I use the "P" word

-perfect- crossed another, even more critical status. I believed with every ounce of my tender heart that I needed to be so exemplary that it would lead people to life everlasting. 

Quite simply. If I didn't make Jesus look good, people would go to HELL.

To have such influence and power? I chuckle and cringe simultaneously. 

Now. Before hackles go up and teeth are bared....I am NOT saying these are inherently bad things and that my life is a wasteland as a result. Positive role models have always been and remain valuable in my life. My faith also has space for a place where accountability and actions do matter. Representing Christ well is important to me.

Full disclosure....I am and have always been extraordinarily sensitive to the emotional responses of people around me. Coupled with hyper-vigilant duty to be an example to well, EVERYONE in the entire world, I was a prime candidate for co-dependency.

Make the family look good. Make your teachers happy. Be smart. Be funny. Be skinny. Never cuss. Like everyone. Never brag. Be perfect. Be confident. Be humble. Never lie. Have nice manners. Never hurt people. Always forgive. Be stylish, never vain. Feel deeply, just never be angry. Make everyone like you. Be smart. Make all A's. Memorize the whole Bible. Never alienate anyone. Don't tell people your secrets. Smile.

If you can't be perfect, at least try.

No wonder I was exhausted and burned out by the time I hit my mid 20's! I had to find a better way to live. I sought the help of a therapist who with great wisdom, helped me see with new eyes and recognize patterns that were injuring both me and others.

Fast forward to now. I'm 50. I understand what hooks me into that push-pull of being needed and feeling compelled to save everyone from everything—especially themselves. But understanding and response are two different issues.

In the past weeks since I started writing this, there have been innumerable events I was not only tempted to revert to "saving" someone; but, several times I felt my feet dancing that familiar tango. It feels natural. I'm really good at it too. UNTIL I either dance too long and experience the negatives or simply remember that not only am I unable to do someone else's emotional work. I CANNOT do it. Ever.

This is not a random segway.

I started recognizing the voice of the Spirit in my life during my late 30's. It was there all along. My inner world was so muddled with constant chatter and anxiety that I couldn't discern what was what. That process of learning was a daily effort. Eventually I knew that when I had a thought that is sane and much wiser than my normal inner voice, it probably wasn't from me. I do not hear a thunderous male voice like James Earl Jones. No. It's my voice, just better. It's never shaming and is always loving. I began to acknowledge that as God's directive to me.

God knows I'm naturally rebellious. Most everything from the Spirit comes to me in the way of questions or considerations.

Here are some examples. "Lori. I want you to consider changing your eating habits." "Lori, you love yoga. Why haven't you gone lately?" "I wonder if I need to be a better friend to_____(fill in the blank)?" "Today would be a great day to call___"

The best thing that ever happened to my inner world was realizing that I am not the Holy Spirit. (That's really funny if you were raised in church, btw.)

Realizing that it was not my job, nor did God expect me to move the hearts of people helped me more than any Bible lesson I'd ever sat through. (I went to church on Wednesdays and TWICE on Sundays.)

Had I not learned that I have limited ability to control others before motherhood, I'd have quickly learned that from a colicky baby.

When I understood my job better, I experienced freedom. I am grateful for knowing that my job is simply to love. 

But...

finding that balance of how to love well is a lifetime commitment. Being empathetic is necessary to love well. We're all flawed which results in being hurt and sad when others fall short of their best. If I flatten my ability to feel hurt, I also flatten my ability to feel joy.

Maybe there are people that can do love without help. I'm not one of them.

Each day before my feet touch the carpet, I ask God to increase the capacity in my heart to love. I also ask for help to love well. Most days that involves a lot less talking. Biting my tongue a lot. More listening. And praying more than ever. 

And asking forgiveness more than I wish I had to. Anne Lamott said it better than I: 

Earth is Forgiveness School. You might as well start at the dinner table. That way, you can do this work in comfortable pants. When Blake said that we are here to learn to endure the beams of love, he knew that your family would be an intimate part of this, even as you want to run screaming for your cute little life. But that you are up to it. You can do it, Cinderellie. You will be amazed.

I Resent YouTube AND Pinterest

Within 10 minutes from my house there are 3 Wal-Marts. I can drive to the Neighborhood Market in about 2 minutes--unless I miss the light on FM 407 because there are 3 cars at the light instead of the usual one or two.

Scary Wal-Mart is actually the next closest one. It's the older one and the parking spaces aren't really conducive to Texas sized trucks or people who have regard for public safety.

There's Nordstrom Wal-Mart just down the road. Their parking spaces are ample; but, it takes forever to park and walk into the store. Plus, there's only one left exit back to my house and that light can often take 3 rounds to get through on weekends. Plus, they never, ever have enough check out people. Apparently everyone in my area prefers Nordstrom Wal-Mart.

Argue with me about most anything else. Don't expect to win over retail arguments. I know Wal-Mart.

Annie Beth is becoming a great baker. She's learning primarily from YouTube and Pinterest. I learned from my mother whose goal was and always will be taste over presentation. Her delicious sheet cakes are still served in the same silver oblong pan with the sliding cover.

AB wanted to make a blueberry banana tart. I don't own a tart pan. I've got 5 spring form pans. I have countless pie pans and 3 with fluted edges. But.  That's not what that stupid, skinny girl said was necessary for her YouTube masterpiece. Guess where we went to buy one? It said online they had them in store.

Well...they didn't.

We ended up at Bed, Bath, and Beyond and of course I forgot my 20% off coupon. Tart pan was secured, though.

I am learning by error, mostly that my instructions are neither wanted nor heeded. What little I do know means nothing compared to the pictures on Pinterest and what some stranger on YouTube says.

The next few hours are an angry blur. Here's what I heard last before I fell asleep. "BUT MOM I FOLLOWED THE INSTRUCTIONS EXACTLY AS SHE SAID!!!"

A new weekend day dawned and I was prepared to help with the pie crust.

This is what I know now:

1. No one makes pie crust like I learned from my Mom--who learned from her mother--who learned from her mother.

2. Her pie crusts taste fabulous. So do mine. Sometimes they are pretty. Sometimes they aren't.

3. I couldn't find either of my pastry blenders. Listen to your daughter that Neighborhood Market, Dollar Tree, and Home Goods will NOT have this:

Remember....it was a weekend and I was avoiding big Wal-Mart. (new term--applies to any Wal-Mart)

4. And blast it, who knew they were so expensive now? Supply and demand is real folks. 

5. Pinterest and YouTube are the downfall of all things imperfect. So what if the crust sagged on one side just slightly? My teeth and tongue didn't care one bit.

6. In order for me to stay semi-sane, I'll let perfect people who are unreachable teach my child to bake. 

I am also going to ask that all of those people insist on teaching the importance of cleaning up afterwards. That's another post.

My Perfect Life?

I’ve got drafts for about 3 or 4 posts that are almost ready to be published. Not sure why I’m not finishing them; but, the timing just seems off. After I published the Invisibility blog—the one about being seen—one of my wickedly funny and brilliant friends at the gym said she’d been pondering two aspects of that concept: (these are my extrapolations of what I thought she was saying)

       

  1. How does social media interface with being seen? Do we control how we want to be seen?

   2.      Why do some people seem to occupy more “space” in a room? Is that a reflection of person’s character structure? Does commanding attention always point to early deficits? (still thinking about this…)

First, thanks Jill for pushing me to think more deeply—even if I ended up losing count with the yellow kettlebell and doing too many. Never trust your trainer to count for you.

For now, on the heels of a very busy social media event—Halloween, I’m thinking about being seen. 

In our travels with thera-LINK, we attend lots of psychological conferences. I love research. I enjoy listening to students and professors discuss their findings at poster sessions. There is a ton of research going on about how social media is changing our culture and how we relate to one another. As with most things, there are positive and negative results.

Facebook on Halloween is a favorite because I get to see kids of all ages dressed up and having fun. Without any experience with children, or life in general, if I based my world view of Halloween on the 2-4 pictures posted by 500 of my 900 “friends", I’d think that 99% of the world smiled and laughed all night long. People ate Pinterest perfect food. Everyone has latent professional pumpkin carving skills. Every toddler happily wore the costume Mom spent hours making or ordered from a specialty catalog. All siblings gladly shared their candy. All people that inhaled uncountable shots of vodka used Uber to get home. No one cried. No one yelled. And everyone remembers everything about the BEST NIGHT EVER!

I, in general, post only funny anecdotal events, happy pictures, and positive things. I am not intentionally trying to post a skewed view of my world. I just figure that most people don’t really want to hear about my crummy day or my political tirade. I know that NO ONE cares that I’m at Target buying gluten free bagels. (That sounds horrible, btw)

Hang on, I’m getting there…..

You can learn about a person through their posts. For the most part, the people whom I friend on Facebook I have met face to face or have some point of reference that’s based on some segment of my life. By glancing at my year end video that Facebook produces for me, you’d notice these things: I value family and friends. I spend wads of cash on live theater and movies. I hire a personal trainer. My weight fluxuates. I laugh a lot. I am divorced. I have one child and her initials are ABC.

Here’s the tricky part. What conclusions do you make based on what I post? If you notice that I’m smiling or laughing in most all of my pictures, the snap deduction would be: “This woman is happy ALL THE TIME!” Unless you know me well, or read my blog, you wouldn’t guess that I’ve suffered with depression for all of my adult life.

“She’s busy all the time!” I’m not.

If you’re trying to figure out how fat or not fat I am currently, look for the photos I’ve been tagged in by someone else. If I post them, I crop the living daylights out of them. I could disallow people to tag me as an effort to thwart pictures I do not like….but, I am willing to risk being seen as I am.

I have never called Annie Beth Clark, “ABC” aloud. I type that because I’m lazy and she accidentally got cute initials. I expect her to marry someone with a D surname.

It’s unrealistic to think that I get the real view of someone based on 5 pictures a week and several funny anecdotes. If we use social media as a way to enhance relationships, stay connected with people we have lost because of geography and circumstance, that’s one thing. But, to use it as a primary method of connection may not be realistic, dare I say, even real?

That’s one of the reasons I blog. I believe that most of us are trampling through a mundane life looking for ways to find meaning and connection. Sometimes mundane morphs into chaos and disaster with one poor decision, intentional abuse at another’s hand, or the mistake of a stranger. It’s hard to love people. Tell me it’s easy and I’m gonna assume you live under a rock.

The most profound connections in my life have been based on mutuality and gut-level admissions of love, limitations, fear, failures, and loss. Then, when the moments of unadulterated joy occur--which do and will happen--the bonds are forged golden. 

Here’s to living authentically and paying attention to the remarkable moments of each day. 

PS...for you grammar police. If there is a way to use an em dash in blogspot, I haven't found it. It bugged me enough that I started writing in Word and transferring it here. I edit constantly and am too lazy to edit back and forth. #goodenough

Blood Moon Hair Miracles

The Pope addressed Congress for the first time this week. Kanye really is running for President in 2020. Tonight I viewed the Super Moon Lunar Eclipse. The last time this happened was 1982.

The biggest and best news as far as I'm concerned is that I had a great hair day and I did it all by myself!

There are those people that can manage a blow dryer AND a brush at the same time. Said people can even move them simultaneously. I have never been that person. I am familiar with the smell of burnt hair.

I can't really even blow dry someone else's hair that well either. I'm accused constantly of burning holes through my daughter's fragile skull. I'm all 80's and 90's folks. Perms all the way. Dry naturally, throw in rollers. Done.

I watched Wendy Williams this week and ordered an International Hair Dryer Stand. Or maybe it was on GMA. Regardless, that's the best 20 something dollars I've spent in years.


My set up was slightly different. I had pink duct tape on that second black stripe area because for 20 bucks the pole doesn't really adjust to the right height. I also had my fan on top of the counter because as you all know I sweat. I was nude. (nekkid in Texan.) My hair actually looked stock photo product selling friendly. I even sectioned off portions of my hair, just like they tell you to.

I was blissful when my almost 14 year old said, "Mom, your hair looks amazing."

I don't mean to brag; but, I'm pretty sure I caused the Super Blood Red Moon Eclipse of the entire world with my shiny, sleek smooth hair. Astronomers and photographers--you're welcome.

Invisibility

I was in a hurry. Which makes me sweat. It was August in Dallas. Which makes me sweat. I was a teensy bit anxious. Which makes me sweat. I am menopausal. Enough said.

I was wearing a fitted poly-knit shirt in light blue. I dashed into my Neighborhood Wal-Mart Market and bought that special occasion antiperspirant guaranteed to clog up your sweat glands and keep rings the size of your head from developing under your pits. (It will probably give me dementia or cause long term hearing loss. I don't care. Sweating at work is gross.)

With the truck on and the air conditioner blasting in my face, I bit off the edge of that evil plastic ring thing. I yanked up my shirt, lifted my left arm and rolled the clear container as fast as I could click the bottom. I repeated on the right side. I remembered what happens to endowed women in heat and started applying there as well.

As I lifted my gaze, I saw movement in the car parked in front of me. Through the tinted windows, I saw an older man with eyes wide open. Think surprised Marty Feldman. He was wiping his hand over his brow.

Bless his heart. I either scared him into cardiac arrest or I gave him the worst peep show of his life. Maybe both. And he thought he was gonna nap while Ethel bought milk of magnesia and paper towels.

Amazing how quickly things shoot through my mind....I thought, "What would Carol do? "
"NOTHING!!! CAROL would NEVER put deodorant on in her car!"

Carol, my older sister is the portrait of refinement and grace.

"I'm NOT Carol!"
"Dang."
"This is gonna be a GREAT blog!"

"WWLD?"

I met his gaze, smiled crookedly and waved while cackling aloud.

Granted, I was in a hurry...but some of you are asking the obvious question, "Lori, do you think you're invisible?"

Well.

Kind of.

I'm not sure exactly when it happened; but, I stopped being noticed in public. I didn't realize it at first. I can't even pinpoint a year, really. I just woke up and I was the weird person staring at someone else at stoplights. I was the lady who got handed a receipt without a glance. I was getting shoulder bumped because people were looking down or away from my face--YEARS before cell phones. Whether it was weight gain, the blank expression, motherhood, emotional indifference, or some sort of super power, I was living without being seen.

That's helpful sometimes. For example, don't you kind of feel anonymous in the drive through at Dairy Queen or McDonalds? Chick-fil-A is harder because it's always their pleasure to serve you. It's freeing to go to a movie alone with a trough of popcorn and sense that no one is glancing your way. This is probably my craziest idea....but somehow I always think that I'm particularly ghost-like while jogging outside. People avoid looking at fatties exercising in public. (I promise you I'm right. If you're skinny, you don't know.) Aside from jerks who might roll down a window to remind me I've got junk in my trunk, "Wow? Really I had NO IDEA!", I feel like people never even notice me. Fat is my invisibility cloak. OK, maybe there are some skinny girls who are glad that at least she's trying. They're also secretly hoping I've always been fat--thus their immunity from future public humiliation.

Having spent my early years clamoring for any and all attention I could direct my way, I found it relaxing to NOT be noticed. One summer when Annie Beth was a toddler, I attended a psychology conference with Richard. He was getting continuing education hours and I was particularly impressed by the speaker in a pre-conference seminar. There was a discount for spouses, so we paid the money and I attended.

James Olthius had just published his book, The Beautiful Risk and the seminar was both lecture and process oriented. What I learned challenged my new found freedom. Without a dry lesson on early attachment theory, I can frame a portion of Olthius' thinking in a few lines. Imagine an infant. (If you pause at the end of each sentence it helps to absorb the concept) He calls this the Love Pattern.
I see.
I see you.
I see you seeing me.
I am seen.
I feel loved.

I (is forming)

I see.
I see you.
I love you.

We (is forming)

This is also true with hearing; but, for my point today, we're focusing on being seen.

What was particularly troubling at the time was his next point with the variables reversed.
   A Nonlove Pattern

I see.
I see you.
I see you not seeing me.
I am not seen.
I am not loved.

Am I?

I? see.
I? see you?
I? //// you.

We?

Of course there are many variables involved with this theory; but, I began to understand that for me, this invisibility I was experiencing was far more than just a not being noticed issue. It was an awakening in two ways:

1. It helped me recognize a void of feeling loved.
2. It made me aware that I had power to help others feel loved with eye contact and listening. (the other key variable.)

You ever meet one of those children who is all arms, legs, and volume just to get acknowledgment from you? Lack of connection makes us all a little like that initially. Eventually, it can also result in withdrawal and depression, even death. In my case, I was just too tired and too spent to clamor for attention. I'd become unsure of who I was.

There are plenty of short cuts and substitutes. But....human connection, real connection is hard work and living with the illusion of wearing an invisibility cloak isn't a great option. It's impossible to force others to respond in a way you'd like them to. For me, that involved major shifts of personal patterns and eventually a decision to end my marriage.

I did discover that intentional eye contact with people makes a difference--especially with people who might be accustomed to being ignored. I don't remember names anymore--including my 3rd cat....sidebar. I feel so sorry for child 3 of 4 or more in a family. They NEVER get called the right name. I don't know the names of the employees at McDonalds and Chicken Express; but, I know who they are. I do know Paige at Chick-Fil-A because she tells me so every school morning at 7:00 am. I'm never going to invite any of them to my home. But, they are people I see every day and they matter.

I KNOW I'm not invisible and my esteem isn't dependent upon the constant recognition of others anymore; but, I do promise to be more concerned with stripping in my car from this point on. Should I forget next time, I'll tap on the window and offer that poor man some sweat proof deodorant. If he comes prepared with his granddaughter's iPhone, I'll be grateful he won't know how to post on Instagram.

Investment Strategies

I am intentionally redundant writing that I never, ever, ever imagined I'd be divorced.

When I allowed myself the liberty of the mere thought to dwell in waking moments, I started watching and listening to the stories of divorced people. Before that point, I largely ignored divorce stories and judged people for their failure. With compassion, of course. (The lies we tell ourselves.)

I thought I was hearing this story, no matter which party you were speaking to--jilter or jiltee, his family or her family:
"He's crazy. I'm not."
"She's crazy, I'm not."
"We hate him. She's been hurt....and it's HIS fault."
"We hate her. He's been hurt....and it's HER fault."*

I was right. That is a consistent script.

I filed for divorce six years ago. Our jury trial--yes, that happens in Texas, Georgia, and New York if one party requests it--ended 4 years ago after Labor Day.

I have my own story now. I could convincingly argue that the Lori Hudgins Clark saga is unique. I'll pad this for myself and say aloud, "Bless your narcissistic little heart, Lori. You're plebeian. Status quo."

But pain hurts. And our stories are important. Story validates our pain, especially in the telling and re-telling.

Pain demands response.

We get to decide how we react. I've chosen every possible option and made up several, I'm sure. Status quo story is blame-- avoidance at it's finest.

Blaming keeps us stuck in pain. I found that taking the partial cause approach is far more effective in managing the impact of the onslaught from external and internal voices.

I had to hire a slew of psychology experts in the course of my divorce. The family forensic psychologist listened intently to my story and said, without fanfare, "All that may be true, but you married the f&$%er and stayed for 21 years."

I made the choice to marry at 22. I stayed even when I had no hope for change. I am an imperfect person who would rather talk than clean. I hoard stuff for the possibility of needing it in the future. I demand emotional intimacy from my partner. Ironically I have an extremely high level of tolerance for neglect. When I married, I was the poster child for codependency. There are the legs of my story. Partial cause.

Annie Beth and I saw a fabulous production of Into the Woods on Sunday. If you aren't familiar with it, there is a scene when the principal characters are trying to appease an angry giant. "Your Fault" is the complicated blaming game.

They realize that all of them are at least partially responsible for the giant's unwanted presence. It's tricky and dangerous business to say that any one person is completely responsible for pain.

He has his story which doesn't match mine. In order for me to move forward, I have to accept this.

Intentional rabbit trail.

Shortly after I filed for divorce, my oldest nephew graduated from high school. Obama was well into his first term as President. The week before the trial began, my sister took her second child to college. Second child graduated in May and starts her first job today. Obama is at the tail end of his second term. My friends that got married in 2009 are about to deliver their nicely spaced third baby.

While there is value understanding the why's of what happened--particularly so that I don't repeat the same process again. It's obvious that four years can change the course of history.

Years are just strings of days. Days are collections of hours. Minutes are filled with a multitude of thoughts.

I've discovered in quiet places that I am becoming the product of dwelling in acceptance that I am enough. I also say aloud, "Let it go!" I sing it as often as I say it. I choose not to spend the bulk of days feeling angry over what I feel I didn't deserve. And now that the years are fleeting past me, I'm grateful that I am living fully instead of dying slowly.

I get to decide. Do I invest my time in love or bitterness?

*I linked Your Fault right there because, well, that's when the music should be cued in this blog.

Mirror, Mirror Why are you so honest?

I thought I knew about fashion, hair, and makeup until I had a teenager.

Having given that sentence some thought, I realize that I could fill in the blank after I thought I knew about with ANYTHING as long as it's followed by: until I had a teenager.

There was a time when I would confidently walk into say, Foley's and know exactly what to buy. Back in the days when I was skinny--and didn't know how to appreciate my shape, there were still plenty of things that didn't look good on me. And. I knew it. 

Even after I wasn't skinny, I knew that certain styles looked better than others. I had confidence in my selections. I knew how to minimize, hide, or enhance. I was an expert at not being noticed.

I've never been that concerned with makeup; but, I knew the big things to avoid--yellow based colors and that less was more.

Two things happened almost simultaneously:

1. I aged.

2. My child turned 13. (Actually it was more like 11--but that jacks up my opening thesis.)

I didn't get a choice about grey hair. It happened without my permission. Neither did I say while scrubbing a pan, "If only I could have hair that felt like this SOS pad!"

I remember Mom telling me that there would come a day when I wouldn't have to shave my legs as often because the hair wouldn't grow as fast. Awesome! What I didn't plan on and honest to goodness didn't put together until it happened, was that it slows down EVERYWHERE. That includes your head and eyelashes and eyebrows! (Correction...my bikini line still grows with vigor---which is just satanic.)

Although I was adequately warned about sun damage---I was convinced that a dark tan in the summer eclipsed thin, leather skin when I was old and married with kids. Who cares what your Mom looks like? She's in her forties!! No one notices HER! 

I'd heard something about skin tones changing with age; but, that was for grandmothers. Who cares? Grandmothers are old and no one notices them anyway. It truly never crossed my mind that when my elderly client's light pink powder blush looked like colored flour brushed on by a toddler that perhaps that shade looked fabulous on her 35 years earlier. Or that she couldn't see her face in the mirror anymore. More importantly I really, really didn't consider that she might still be interested in looking and feeling attractive despite her age.

What never occurred to me at age 17 was that I would age, at least not visibly. I was going to avoid that, through, you know, starving, being nice, and making sure people liked me. My world then could never encompass that I would have A child and not be married in my forties.

Back to real world aging.....

I won't even touch on wrinkles, hot flashes, zits during menopause, chin whiskers, and arms that aren't long enough to read menus. Cropped shirts worn bra-less aren't an option because your boobs are longer than the top. Long and lean only applied to legs or fingers in the past.

Now. If my self esteem wasn't in question enough, let's for fun add a teenager who is obliged to TELL you the items you might have missed. 

Your teeth. "Mom! Your teeth are gold. Gross." 

In more polite moments, "Mom! Did you know you can buy whitening strips from Target?" 

Hooded eyelids---"Wow, I'm so glad I didn't get those floppy skin things on my eyes! Do they get WORSE with age?"

Another reminder about hair---"Mom! Can I brush your hair and show you how it's done?"

The hair comment happened LAST night! Internally I said, "You want me to take that $12.00, wet hair brush and shove it up your nose?"

Instead, I recalled all my diatribe this past month that I thought went unheard. 

"My hair is FRIZZY!"  

"I can't get the ratio right on coconut oil! It's broom hair or Elvis!" 

"Screw it. No one is looking at my hair!" 

Except I am. And I still care.

Instead, I said, "Sure! I'd love for you to brush my hair." 

Here's what happened. With expertise and kindness, my YouTube obsessed daughter spent less than 20 minutes on my hair and it looked better than it has in years. (no exaggeration.) It turns out that she was listening. AND....Things HAVE changed and improved since I learned in the late 70's. That wet hair brush really is perfect for my wirey, grey hair disguised as medium brown. YouTube can teach you anything you want to learn.

I've changed too. What worked then doesn't work now in all cases. I do think the undertones of pink in my skin are being replaced with some yellow. I am happy that living in Oregon cured me of my need to wear makeup in public. Yet, I'm still not at the point I'm happy about a sales associate at JC Penny asking, "Have you ever thought about wearing makeup? Our Sephora associates are happy to teach you."

To be Sue Sylvester or Madea.

This morning I was getting dressed for a big presentation we're doing for our company, thera-LINK and I had an epiphany....

to look like what I did in the past, I spent about 30 minutes to an HOUR every single day before I stepped out of the house. 

And if I had a date or something later, I'd freshen up AGAIN. I doubt I'll ever invest that again--even though I really need it now more than I ever did in my youth. 

I had a client once who oft said, "Youth is wasted on the young." I, out of courtesy, laughed at her joke.

I understand now.

It's astonishing to realize that the person who was utterly dependent on me just 14 years ago, can teach me things I didn't realize I needed to learn. She can help me replace tired, outdated methods with efficient, modern ones. And having lived through many decades, I know that some current trends aren't worth any investment of money. Remember floral, bubble jumpsuits for adults? And a matching one for your infant girl. (Mine was red corduroy. The red bow flats are used for my Snow White costume now. Annie Beth is beyond relieved she wasn't a glimmer of a thought during that fashion era.)

I can learn and grow no matter my age. My knees may creak when I stand up. It might take an hour for the stitch marks embedded on my cheek from my 15 minute catnap on the leather couch to disappear. And the days of wash and go hair that actually looks presentable are gone.  But there are ponytails--even if someone might be tempted to sweep with mine.

I am convinced of something else,

          Smiles and joy trump good hair and makeup.

Here's to inner growth, loving extravagantly and aging realistically-- with a sincere hope that perms make a valiant comeback. 

My First Day of School Panic

Last night, I had run to the potty diarr&$@.  It's possible that I could, in part, blame the brownies. Yes, for the first time in sixteen months I baked and ATE brownies thanks to a King Arthur gluten free mix--all hail King Arthur.

Also it could have been my near head on collision in the alley with my very crazy neighbor. Insane red head never even glanced my way when I swerved into the driveway and grass of our neighbor.

Maybe it was because my favorite team lost Beach Flip. They seemed arrogant; but, I loved their house.

I woke up several times in the night with that awful gurgly gut. Wasn't gluten. Wasn't adrenaline. Wasn't loss.

It was school.

Annie Beth wasn't with me, she was at her father's. I tried to convince myself the anxiety stemmed from my stellar mothering skills. "Of course, Lori. You're so intuitive--what you are feeling is for your daughter." That's partially true. I'm no different than the other million mothers that are concerned for their children. But, she came by to drop off her suitcase this morning and she was at ease and ready for 8th grade. Hmmmm....

This in the gut anxiety was mine. I STILL get first day of school jitters. I'm 50 years old and I'm still worried about where to sit in the cafeteria. Will I remember my locker combination? What if I lose my schedule, can I get a replacement from the office?

WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH YOU???? YOU HAD YOUR LAST FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL IN 1986!!!

Now that I've listened to the ever present critic within AND given more time to the sane voice of experience and reason, I am learning a few things that might be helpful.

Fear is powerful. Our limbic brain is unaware of time or space. The same fear that was there in kindergarten can be there at 50. I'm talking about the very same feeling. The good news, though is that now that I have some better tools in my box, I can choose better responses. Without thinking, here are my go-to anxiety "management" tricks

1. go in the kitchen and polish off the last half of that pan of brownies. I told you King Arthur deserved praise.

2. sleep all day until it's time to pick up Annie Beth from school.

3. run around buying things I don't need.

4. find a way to blame my wasband.

Here's what I did instead.
*named the anxiety
*owned it as mine.
*admitted that I don't like change.
*reminded myself of what I already knew....

That was then. This is now. 

I graduated from high school and college. I have taken graduate classes. I loved most every aspect of those educational years. I found ways to be competent and successful without a working knowledge of Algebra 1 or 2 or subtracting long numbers in my head. Duh. Calculators.

Beyond that, I know now, that all of life is an education. I will never have all the answers. It's not possible. It's not even my job. My job is to love and be loved.

Not a small task.
Or an easy one.
Or one that I'm capable of doing on my own.

So today, I will work for thera-LINK. I'll scratch down ideas about ways to make a service of helping others more available. I'll get those contact's name on a spreadsheet.

I'll look at all the first day of school pictures on Facebook and marvel how much they've all grown.

I will read a post from Anne Lamott and wish I wrote like her. I will read some of Kelly Corrigan and wish I wrote like her. AND I will spend time writing my thoughts and be glad that I wrote and honed the skill of writing well.

I will open my heart up to the possibility of new relationships and developing a group of people interested in loving well and integrating that with an inclusive faith.

I will follow through and post this for the public. My deep insecurities of acceptance stopped me from writing after I received mean spirited criticism over a year ago.

I'll greet Annie Beth and be ready to be fully present as I hear about her first day of 8th grade. I'll remind myself, that it's her life, not mine. I just get to be a guide along the way--one that loves her more than I know how to express.

Who will Join Me?

Full Disclosure before I start writing.....

*I'm just shy of 49.

*I've colored my hair to hide grey since my late twenties. I use e-salon now and am on auto-pay each month. It's my own formula sent directly to my door. If my hair wouldn't fall out, I'd color every 3 weeks to hide that I'm 100% grey. I'm not sure when or if I'll stop coloring.

*I've obsessed about my weight since probably age 8. I've been skinny, toooooo skinny, fat, very fat, and pregnant. I've never felt "just right".

*I pay a private trainer to make myself work out. As long as I am able to afford this service, I will pay for it.

*The first post divorce "gift" I gave myself was a Groupon for Juvaderm to erase what I referred to as my divorce wrinkle wedged deeply between my brows.

*I spent an obscene amount of money last year on radio frequency something or other to try to get rid of hail damage (aka buttercream frosting and all you can eat evenings alone and genetics) on the previously mentioned thighs. After 13 treatments, I realized it was doing nothing, so I switched the treatment to my face. It felt wonderful and it worked. Four people noticed that I looked great. I counted myself twice in that calculation.

*I was very, very careful when my daughter was young not to use negative body words for myself or others. I'm not sure when this shifted; but, if you asked her what I consider my flaws, she can list all of them. She'd probably add one or two that I have yet to notice. (Big grin)

*I crop all posted photos to hide or reduce my double chin, non-Michelle Obama arms, and muffin top over those ridiculous low cut jeans which I'd avoid if I could find other ones that actually fit. All my i-phone photographers are instructed to hold the phone higher than my height, blah, blah.

*I am vain. I wish I wasn't.

*I will not apologize for wanting to be beautiful.

As a young social worker fresh out of college, I worked with aging adults. I knew there was a vast difference in the way people aged and was fascinated why some 75 year old women appeared so much older than women 20 years their senior. I admitted, even then, it was my own informal research in order to ensure a better aging process for myself. I was naive enough to believe that I could avoid many of the downsides of aging through data and implementation. (Caveat----there are pieces of truth in this: eating correctly, exercising, managing emotional health, feeding your soul---these things do matter.)

Now that I've walked the road a little longer, I know that aging is unavoidable, even for the most disciplined of people. Bad things DO happen to good people. And, as my friend Gay would say, "Good things happen to BAD people!" If you breathe, life will happen to you. Even with my efforts, I can never insulate myself completely from pain--physical or emotional.

I was two generations from experiencing the realities of aging at Allied Housing in Denver. I collected data, though. I expected all of my clients to have grey hair, if any. The ninety year old woman with jet BLUE hair made me chuckle internally.  I expected them to have wrinkles, and visible scars. I could observe the difficulties of managing dentures and the impact of weight loss with a set of rigid teeth connecting to shrunken gums. (Let's face it, I had no idea that weight and gums were connected!) Note to self then....take care of your teeth. I observed the difficulty of fractured hips and highlighted in my mental notes that people often die from complications after this injury. (Take a calcium supplement since you hate milk, Lori)

I loved my work and most of my clients. My favorite clients were the ones who could tell great stories. Ones that smiled and joked with me. I particularly loved the people who had made meaning of the darkest part of their journeys. I still admire resiliency.

Important rabbit trail story.....

Perhaps my favorite client of all was a tiny little woman named Minka Szyolwicz. She had dementia and came to my office daily to report the items stolen from her room. Most days we would go to her room and I would locate the item wrapped in notebook paper or a single ply napkin in the same place she hid it the day before. The item's contents, usually her teeth, would be notated in French, her 3rd language, in her own wobbly handwriting. She would laugh and say something like,

 "OH! My Darrrling!!! Tank you zo much! You zee, I have to hide deez tings because dare is a teef--(always in a whisper) in this building. I forget vhere I put deeze tings."

 She would then repeat a story I'd heard almost daily and never tired of hearing. In great detail she would tell me about fleeing Poland to France because it was safer for Jewish people. When France became unsafe, her husband boarded the ship before she did. It was sailing early for some unknown reason. She and her infant son couldn't reach the ramp before it was moved away from the dock.

"I vas deveestated. But I cooed not allow de chance for my son to be taken by de Nazis. Zo, I called out to Joe. He vas crying and leeening off de edge of de sheep. He vas saying, 'Minka, my love. I VEEL CATCH HEEM!' Zo, I prayed to God and I trew my baby vith allllll my might into de air."

Her eyes clinched into small slits, she would pause. Tears would gather instantly and several would trickle from the edge of one eye. I would watch the movie being played in her head. Her eyes would pop open. Staring Heavenward, she would say the same thing each time in a hushed, reverent voice,

 "My prayer vas answered."

 Her son Joe was a professor at a major local university.

Everyone loved Minka, all 4 foot 6 inches of her. She would sit in the lobby of the building. Frail and slumped over, her pelvis was almost even with her shoulder blades due to starvation as a teen and young adult. Her bones could snap with the slightest of falls. She was the first person I knew who didn't survive her hip fracture. As each staff member would leave she would she would say in her high pitched tone,

"Gud night darrling. Go DANCING!" 

Why the long rabbit trail story? In the end, her impact on me was profound and had NOTHING to do with vanity. I loved her. She was the portrait of life and beauty and vitality. She never knew my name but she loved me too.

Does vanity matter enough that I'd invest so much emotional and physical energy to the point of sheer exhaustion? To the point of mental instability or pure out crazy eating disordered living? To the point of death for my dear, young friend?

Minka and my grandmother's generation are for the most part gone now. I'm watching my parents age. It's not easy. My admiration for persistence and grit of older people has incrementally increased. We can marvel at young athletes and their ability to lift comic book sized weights overhead. But, have you ever watched a 99 year old woman with congestive heart failure navigate herself with a walker in and out of the tiny bathroom several times a day?

Even in my early 40's I heard myself saying, "I am WAY TOO YOUNG to FEEL this OLD!" Now, joints previously unknown speak when I lower my feet to the carpet each morning. My arms aren't long enough to read any menu. And just yesterday I was told about a ringtone that kids use now because most grownups can't hear it. I tried it. I am a member of the unknowing adult club.

And I haven't even transitioned back into vanity and appearances. I noticed several years ago in public with my young, beautiful nieces that all eyes were on them. I'm not gonna lie. I know what it's like to be noticed. I also know what it feels like to ignore unnecessary people.

I am the unnoticed, irrelevant mom or aunt now. It's weirder for me than I'd imagined back in the day because I'm single again and not sure how to navigate this whole gig. The best I get is, "She looks good for her age." (All you co-dependents...I'm not looking for a NO you don't comment.) It is true. And I'm trying to adapt and adjust in a way that nurtures and doesn't destroy. In another 15 years, I'll be in the category of grandmotherly types--regardless of whether I'm actually a grandmother.

So what in the world am I saying?

I think our culture is absolutely screwed up when it comes to aging and beauty! 

Every magazine for my demographic is funded by ads for plastic surgery, aging creams, and miracles to look younger and feel better. Even the age appropriate models have their wrinkles and scars brushed out with a Photoshop tool.

Where are the women with crows feet and bingo arms?
Where is the paper thin leather on the chests of women who used Johnson's Baby Oil while lying on a metallic mat during peak tanning hours?

I'd clearly be a hypocrite if I say, let's stop ALL of this! Not what I'm saying.

But, is it possible that with our generation we could start offering grace to ourselves for stupid tanning decisions?
If my hip breaks, can I not blame myself for being a typical 20 year old and ignoring solid advice to take a calcium supplement?
Can we be gentle with ourselves and dare I say be grateful for the line of blubber that happened after multiple babies were delivered via c-section?
Can we be accepting of what real life looks like on a real person?

Here's what I'm doing.
*I started with accepting my thighs after this blog in the Spring. How Long is a Minute?

*I'm committed to embracing my whole body with grace and acceptance--naked or clothed. I'm applauding Lena Dunham for modeling to her generation that perfect bodies are not required for success in Hollywood or NYC or Lansing, Michigan.

*I am focusing more emotional energy on learning how to be a storycatcher.

*I am trying to model for my daughter my commitment to health with an eye towards the realities of aging and accidents and real life. I want her to see that it's OK to enhance what she has, IF she wants that. I want her to value and honor all of the privileges and responsibilities that come with aging and caring for those who age.

*I want her to be aware that physical beauty IS fleeting. Inner beauty is timeless. 

Aging is not valued in our culture. It's unfortunate. And if I don't change the pathway, she will follow in my footsteps, at least for a period of her life, if not her whole.

And it's possible that our generation can change that cultural flaw. Who's with me? Let's start today. How can you make a change?



****I'm a huge supporter of Dove for all that they are doing to alter our crazy cultural biases. I buy their soap and deodorant just because of their commitment. I saw this newer video and it made me realize that my negativity was making an impact on my own daughter. Powerful stuff here. Another way we have hope for change.

Redefine Beauty--Dove--click here. .

Ubuntu, Amber

I heard of Amber’s death on December 20^th, 2013. Nothing will bring her back to those of us who loved her—especially words typed by my hands. However, words bring permanence to our stories. I want to offer my words to her story.

I’m in Denver today en route to Green Valley, Wyoming where tomorrow family and friends will gather together to speak words of tribute and grieve our great loss together.

My relationship began with Amber in August of 2009. I’d received several emails from her with subject line: IMMO Clark. (For those fortunate enough not to be acquainted with IMMO—it’s short for In the Matter of the Marriage)

I first saw her walking briskly down the hallway at the Denton County Family Courthouse. She was talking quietly and sternly with my lead attorney. She was wearing a grey suit and black stiletto heels with red lacquered soles. Her long blonde hair was pulled into a professional ponytail. She looked like a junior version of her new boss. It was surreal to hear her spout out details of my life having never met her in person. I remember thinking, “This little girl knows more about me than I do! Good grief, I could be her mother!” I interrupted their discussion to introduce myself.

She briefly acknowledged me with a polite smile and a cordial greeting. Without fanfare, she went right back into her conversation with my lead attorney. I’m not gonna lie. I was intimidated by this young lawyer whom I had internally referred to as a little girl.  The more I heard her talk, the more impressed I was with her mind and her abilities. I didn’t choose my attorney and her staff because I needed friends. I chose them because they were highly competent. Top of her Baylor Law School class, Amber was a shining new star in the firm. 

I was pleased she was assigned to my case.

I could have never imagined that she would become a treasured friend over the course of 4 years.

The divorce process is a little bit like a bad game of rigged strip poker with strangers. The longer you play, the less you’re wearing in a game where the other players remain fully clothed. I remember turning over my journals to them and wondered if there would be anyone who actually read them. I was hopeful it was just protocol without action—mostly for the discovery of my poor punctuation and bad poetry. Journaling was therapy for my eyes only, so I thought.

Amber, though, read every legible word from years of bound notebooks. For whatever reason, particularly through the juxtaposition of profanity and praises to The Most High, Amber told me she made two decisions:
 

1.     1.  Get Lori everything she legally could get me. (Those that know her well know that her language was FAR more colorful! I loved that about her. She taught me new ways to cuss.)

2.     2.  She decided that I was worthy of her trust. She, in her own way, allowed me to be her friend.

I couldn't begin to calculate how many hours of her life were poured into my case. I could look at the bills I received and those hours would be a fraction of what she truly invested. I was never a case to Amber. I was a person. My child was a real person that Amber knew well through pictures and stories and anecdotes. She loved us—a blessing I never expected or required.

The more I knew Amber, the more I loved her. The more honest and authentic she was with me about her own fears and concerns, the deeper my commitment to her became. We both struggled with being people pleasers. After reading of my struggle and years of recovery from bulimia, she shared with me her ongoing battle.

I was committed to her and loved her as well as I could. I tried my best to provide a safe place for her to be honest and flawed. She had seen me at my worst and she still  trusted me enough to glimpse her wounds and pain. I drove to Tulsa during her first treatment and spent as many hours as I was allowed that weekend. Beyond that, we met regularly for meals. We emailed and texted. I went many weekends to see her last year while she was at Project Bliss. I loved her with my time and my commitment to her best—just as she’d done for me.

Amber’s death is a tragedy. I cannot, even with the help of my wisest friend, wrap my head around why Amber isn’t alive. She lived with me and Annie Beth for a few weeks in October. I have never loved her more than when she was with us—difficult as it was to watch her slowly destroy what life her body had left in it.

I am just one person in the course of her 30 years on this earth. My love and my effort couldn’t save Amber. That stops me in my tracks. Every. Single. Time.

Amber,

My love for you will never end. You needed your life to matter. I am living proof that Amber Steiss Rechner’s work as a lawyer was exemplary. When I need to curse injustice, I will smile and thank you for my training in solid usage of the “F” word. When I need courage to stand up to people that seem impassable, I’ll thank you for showing me how to put on my game face and march right up to my virtual judge, jury, or opposing counsel. 

I know that you are whole now. I know that you are experiencing perfect love and that you finally understand why so many of us loved you so profoundly, imperfect as we all are.

I’m posting these pictures from your 29^th birthday a year ago. The window in the background speaks truth. I am who I am because of our relationship, Amber. I am a better woman for knowing you and for loving you. Thanks for letting me be a part of your inner world.

Ubuntu, ~lori

Post Script: After posting this hours ago, I'm thinking through my comment about my love and support not being enough.....Forgive me if that sounded self absorbed. My intent was not to be selfish. I have no illusions that any one person could take sole responsibility for helping another. I was among many that surrounded her with all we could offer. I am confounded by the reality that none of us that loved her could reach her. My only comfort is THE One that loved her perfectly from before conception saved her and she is like Him now.