1st, 3rd, and 5th

First, Third, and Fifth had no relevance to me until the early part of this century. No one in my family had been divorced with children prior to that time. It's as familiar to me now as my iPhone. 

You may be the only person left in America still in the dark regarding that term. I have two things to say to you:

1. Congratulations! You don't live with the consequences of divorce in your world. I'll broadly define world as you or someone you know well enough to know his/her schedule. 

2.  1st, 3rd, and 5th is slang for standard possession for the parent that doesn't have the children living with them full time. (I'm trying very hard not to use legal jargon. I know it now; but, I think it can be confusing and unnecessary. And pompous.)

The judge in our case gave my ex husband the option of expanded possession. This means he gets our daughter every Thursday night overnight and returns her to school on Friday mornings. On, (fill in the blank) 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends he returns her to school on Monday mornings. Holidays are alternated between parents. During even years, the father gets Spring Break. The expanded schedule, over the course of the year is a couple of points away from a 50/50 time split. 

March had Spring Break and a 5th weekend. A cursory counting on the calendar and I'm counting 18 days that I've spent with my 10 year old since March 1st. Most of those are school days. It's a consequence and reality of my life that stinks. I'm grateful, truly grateful that she enjoys being with her father. On days when I don't hear from her, I've learned to be content knowing that she is busy and happy. 

This is the our first weekend together in eons and I had all kinds of wonderful plans for the two of us. I enjoy her. I'm particularly enjoying conversations with her now. She's witty and has some surprisingly mature insight.  Of course, I'm already informed regularly of my ignorance and am being taught the real ways things should be done.

And so I sit here alone in our house.

Her clear choice for the evening was for she and her "best cousin" Emma to attend Friday Nite Live. It's sponsored by the Lewisville School District and is a "total blast". My plans were never mentioned. Instead, I made the arrangements. I savored the moments of listening to them laugh and talk in the back of the van during the transport from our rendezvous spot with the other van driver and money provider, Carol. There are few things that satisfy my soul more than hearing two little girls whom I love passionately enjoy one another. Their laughter resonates within my marrow. 

Neither child will even consider what I'm doing right now. If by some freak of nature one of them asks me what I did, my guess is that it will only be out of Southern courtesy. They don't care that I'd rather be with them listening, participating, sharing in their world(s). They have no idea that I would think staring at the TV when they are watching A Pair of Kings would be fun because I could relish watching them crack up over silly humor. They'd assume my laughter was based on the line delivered by a Disney child actor.

If either of them would have been concerned about my loneliness and offered to forgo their plans, I'd be vastly more despondent tonight. My heart is pleased that they are making memories together. I'll hear about the pie eating contest, the Cheeto relays, and what they bought with their tickets on the drive back to Richardson. Their neon hair will glow in the rearview mirror. Their location jokes will not translate well and yet, I am positive that I will engage my genuine laugh at several points in the telling. They are living the lives of little girls. I can't believe they are 10 and 11 now. I'll blink and I'll no longer be told in detail the events of the evening. I won't be needed to chauffeur and I'll be even dumber and more embarrassing than I am now. Grace will be there then, as it is this night.

It's made me ponder.  I wonder how many times God has really looked forward to spending time with me, only for me to choose differently? In the past, I'd have immediately felt shame. Old tapes would say, "Lori you have hurt God's feelings....you are unloving and selfish." Tonight I am able to ask the question and consider a wholly different possibility. Maybe God feels pleased that two of His beloved are growing up. Lori can sit with her loneliness and make healthy choices about how to manage those feelings. It's not Annie Beth's job to fill the lonely spaces within me. As parent, I delight, sometimes, (wink) in my child and who she is becoming. I am confident that Annie Beth made the best choice tonight. She's with her cousin and her friends in a safe, supervised environment. Even without omniscience or omnipresence, I can enjoy her from afar. How grateful I am for the profound gift of parenthood. Even with creature-ly limitations, I can glimpse a bit of how my Father might feel about me. 

I am lonely tonight, but I am never alone. Grace abounds.

Only two more hours and I get to pick them up.