Without her permission or knowledge, I'm learning about a side of myself that I'm not particularly fond of. I can't call it a blind side. I've known about it for a long time. Seeing it in another person and facing my reaction, that's where the story begins.
I've nominated myself for WMOTY so many times these last 3 weeks, I've made enough noise that the people are just gonna give it to me. The plaque on my trophy will read:
Lori Clark
Worst Mother of the Year
Before those of you want to rescue me out of my award, let me build some scenarios with you. Trust me, I earned my trophy.
I got the flu the day after Annie Beth came home for my portion of the Christmas holiday. I was miserable. By the time I connected the dots of my symptoms, it was too late for Tamiflu. When her throat got sore and she felt yucky, I took her into the clinic for a prescription. My mom was scheduled for her bilateral mastectomy the following Wednesday in Houston. Annie Beth would have to go to her father's house. I knew that would mean she would be lying around his office floor while he worked. The obscene price of $323.01 was no barrier to my decision to medicate her. This flu was nasty business and I didn't want her to experience what I felt. I wasn't willing to cancel my trip to Houston to be present with my Mom and Dad during a very serious and frightening time.
Annie Beth has a gag reflex that still alarms me. She hasn't learned to swallow a pill. She balks and resists ALL attempts to medicate her--even with the good tasting bubblegum Tylenol. I taste all her meds.
I've tasted some hideous medicines in my life, I can't think of one worse than Tamiflu.
Let me also add....having been around lots of kids in my life, I know there are those kids who are docile, nearly angelic beings who need little more than snuggling and TLC on their road to recovery. I did not get that child. At all.
When after the first hour she had diluted, spit out, and gagged on the first dose of this miracle medicine that would help her feel better and alleviate some of my guilt for leaving a sick child, I was irritated and angry. I white-knuckled it and offered her fake mercy/grace. I texted my sister who has successfully raised 4 kids without a single death or maiming, "how I can stay out of prison and still get her to take the medicine??!!!!" Carol- "Put it in a milkshake or ice cream." BRILLIANT! I put on clothes and got her THREE kinds of ice cream to choose from.
Let's hit the low points now.
2 hours after the ice cream is melted.....
Both of our faces are puffy from angry tears.
She's heard the story I was saving for a tender teaching moment about the boy who died over Christmas from flu complications. "YOU COULD DIE!" ( shameful red face emoticon)
She's paid me $30.00 of her Christmas money for the ice cream dosage that was thrown at me.
In total.....5 hours after we started, while I'm in a self appointed time out, I hear her gagging down the medicine.
I place my ice cream container in the recycle bin.
Fast forward to the following Sunday...she's missed 5 days of school. She now has a double ear infection and pneumonia.
Three oral meds:
Inhaler
Steroids
Antibiotic--twice daily 10 days. Kill me now, I thought.
Prednisone is the third worst medicine I've tasted.
Low points:
I quarantined myself to the back of the house.
The next morning when her symptoms were no better, she admitted she'd lied to me and had thrown the steroid down the sink.
The urgent care center DOES charge to simply check your oxygen level with that stupid little machine.
Reality of IV, hospital stay, more missed school, NOT graduating from 5th grade! didn't matter to my child.
All she had to do was guzzle down two teaspoons of medicine.
TWICE DAILY for 10 days.
While I was fuming again.....
On day 5, I finally had the sense to ask God what He thought of all of this.....
I really do want to be that Mom who loves well and learns. I want to offer that correct combination of truth and love.
Here's what I really love about God, He often approaches me like Jesus did with His followers when He was here on earth. Like that time when they noticed how badly others were behaving? He responded with words so familiar to me:
Luke 6:42
New International Version (NIV)
42 How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
In my heart, I heard, "Lori, why are you avoiding what I've asked of you?"
I'm not gonna lie. I'm deleting some of the internal conversation I had with God regarding the question--most of it is not polite or could be labeled "Christian". It started like this.... "Weren't we talking about Annie Beth? She's the problem, you know."
I'll just cut to the good stuff.
I cannot control others. (although, I crave that power often.) The only person I can control is Lori. It is true that I understand more than Annie Beth about many things. I know that we can avoid some negative outcomes with certain precautions and applied resources. She had done nothing to earn sickness--that just happened in this circumstance. She did, however, have control over the outcome.
I knew medicine would HEAL HER. My intent wasn't malice. My intent was for good and ultimately wholeness. It did require her, however, to experience something unpleasant, for a brief time. No promise of pain free treatment. The minimum requirement was to swallow. Simple for me because I had more perspective.
Fast forward a week.
I am being COMPLETELY HONEST HERE....as I'm typing this I'm waiting on Annie Beth to take her new antibiotic that was prescribed for a returned double ear infection. She knows that if she is running a fever tomorrow, as she is NOW, she will not be able to go to school on Monday. She is still making up work from the two weeks she missed previously. She will also miss honor choir after school---more motivation to take the medicine. I picked up the medicine at 12:30. It's 4:35.
I can't force medicine down her throat. I'm taking a different approach because I can today. There's nothing that prevents me from staying with her at home this week. I'm more available and able to allow natural consequences to teach her this week. It will cause me pain also. She will not be alone in her pain if she continues to resist me. I am not omniscient, omnipresent, or perfect. I can, however, seek help from the One in my life whom I know to be all of those things.
Those traits in Annie Beth that send me over the edge are my planks. With God's help, I'm making steps toward his request of me. If The Worst Mother of the Year can have even an ounce or two or unconditional love and concern for a stubborn, petulant, sick child, I cannot imagine how much God must love me!? My steps may be harder than my 11 year old's steps to health; however, I know also that my God wants me to grow and thrive. I see me stalling, making excuses, avoiding, thrashing, and being angry about each new step that will lead me out of a place that I don't want to be anyway!
So I'm moving forward with the one person whom I have control. I'm also offering my child the chance to learn and grow, even if it's not my easiest option. I am so grateful I am not alone in my pursuits. I've surrounded myself with people of faith, love, integrity, and humor who walk alongside me daily. More, I know that God meets me each moment in ways that only He can. He is faithful even with stubborn, petulant 47 year old women.
PS. It's 6:04 and she's still standing in the kitchen staring at the 2 teaspoons of medicine. Her homework is done, the cats are fed....... : /
In my heart, I heard, "Lori, why are you avoiding what I've asked of you?"
I'm not gonna lie. I'm deleting some of the internal conversation I had with God regarding the question--most of it is not polite or could be labeled "Christian". It started like this.... "Weren't we talking about Annie Beth? She's the problem, you know."
I'll just cut to the good stuff.
I cannot control others. (although, I crave that power often.) The only person I can control is Lori. It is true that I understand more than Annie Beth about many things. I know that we can avoid some negative outcomes with certain precautions and applied resources. She had done nothing to earn sickness--that just happened in this circumstance. She did, however, have control over the outcome.
I knew medicine would HEAL HER. My intent wasn't malice. My intent was for good and ultimately wholeness. It did require her, however, to experience something unpleasant, for a brief time. No promise of pain free treatment. The minimum requirement was to swallow. Simple for me because I had more perspective.
Fast forward a week.
I am being COMPLETELY HONEST HERE....as I'm typing this I'm waiting on Annie Beth to take her new antibiotic that was prescribed for a returned double ear infection. She knows that if she is running a fever tomorrow, as she is NOW, she will not be able to go to school on Monday. She is still making up work from the two weeks she missed previously. She will also miss honor choir after school---more motivation to take the medicine. I picked up the medicine at 12:30. It's 4:35.
I can't force medicine down her throat. I'm taking a different approach because I can today. There's nothing that prevents me from staying with her at home this week. I'm more available and able to allow natural consequences to teach her this week. It will cause me pain also. She will not be alone in her pain if she continues to resist me. I am not omniscient, omnipresent, or perfect. I can, however, seek help from the One in my life whom I know to be all of those things.
Those traits in Annie Beth that send me over the edge are my planks. With God's help, I'm making steps toward his request of me. If The Worst Mother of the Year can have even an ounce or two or unconditional love and concern for a stubborn, petulant, sick child, I cannot imagine how much God must love me!? My steps may be harder than my 11 year old's steps to health; however, I know also that my God wants me to grow and thrive. I see me stalling, making excuses, avoiding, thrashing, and being angry about each new step that will lead me out of a place that I don't want to be anyway!
So I'm moving forward with the one person whom I have control. I'm also offering my child the chance to learn and grow, even if it's not my easiest option. I am so grateful I am not alone in my pursuits. I've surrounded myself with people of faith, love, integrity, and humor who walk alongside me daily. More, I know that God meets me each moment in ways that only He can. He is faithful even with stubborn, petulant 47 year old women.
PS. It's 6:04 and she's still standing in the kitchen staring at the 2 teaspoons of medicine. Her homework is done, the cats are fed....... : /
