Be My Balentime

Valentines Day 2012 will be marked in my heart as a favorite. In fact, I think I can safely say that it's my best one ever.

Let me preface my story with a question I've been pondering daily for weeks now, "How do I know you love me God?"

Well versed in Bible head knowledge, I've got right responses ready to pull out of my convenient answer bag. That said, I believe the Bible is true and it says, "God loves me" over and over again. I read it regularly and am happy for the privilege of reading His inspired words. I trust His Word--mostly. On good days and sometimes on really bad days I believe. It's the middle days that strangle my faith.

And yet......ever the child looking for evidence and something tangible, I search in other places as well.

Our culture, and sadly, at some level, I too am caught up easily in the notion of romantic love. Valentine's Day can just stink if we measure our life based on romantic love alone.

Here's a snippet of a conversation I had with God last weekend.

L-Lord, I know what you say in the Bible, but I need you to show up and be God today. I'm just days shy of 47. I failed in my marriage. I'm lonely. I'm also really lazy and I don't want to do things I know you've asked me to do. I'm tired. I'm mad. And. I'm starving because I'm truly trying to lose the weight I gained trying to avoid life and pain. I know you love me, I'm just having a hard time seeing it today.

God-

L-also, if you could, would you let me feel it with my heart?

God-

L- and while you're at it, I'd like you to demonstrate your love physically as well.

God-

L-I'm ready and I'm waiting. Give me eyes to see it. If I can't see it, any kind of nudge will help.

God-

Valentine's morning I'd baked heart shaped muffins for Annie Beth and dropped her off at school. I got a call from Jenny asking if I could have lunch with them. I couldn't. I later received a text from her:
If you'll be home at 9:45 we're going to stop by.


Jenny, punctual as usual, knocked at the door at 9:45. The next few moments are freeze framed captions in my mind, yet they happened in a few seamless seconds. I opened the door and Jenny stepped to the side. I saw Brenner, 2 1/2 walking up the pathway. Dressed in red striped overalls donning his black felt fedora, he was grinning from ear to ear. His paced picked up and he trotted towards me. The bouquet of pink roses was sort of smushed against my legs as he hugged me with all his might. As if remembering he wasn't supposed to hug first, he pulled back and handed me the roses. Just as quickly as he placed them in my hands, his little right hand slipped into the back pocket of his engineer type overalls. As if by magic, out came a chocolate bar, that if seen from behind would have covered almost half his back. He, pleased with his efforts, walked into the house. Jenny, with a gentle reminder and a whisper in his ear said, "Brenner, what else?" At this point, I'm leaning down. I was almost eye level to him (Darn. I wish I would have kneeled the whole time.) He looked right into my now watery eyes and whispered, "Be my Balentime."

I'm weeping now as I write this etched memory.
It's a love story.

It's about a friend whom I've chosen as family. She's a younger sister who has walked alongside me both literally and figuratively for almost 10 years. We prayed fervently for another baby for her family. We were training to walk 60 miles in 3 days for breast cancer that year when conception and desire seemed like enemies. That November, Jenny would happily wave down a sweep van to take needed breaks from the 60 miles because she had just discovered she was pregnant. She was well into the pregnancy when I filed for divorce that Spring. I was there when Brenner was born on July 9, 2009. I will someday apologize to him that I was convinced he was a girl and took something pink for him to the hospital.

I can't explain this part at all, I just know that Brenner loves me. Even as an infant we had a special bond. He has a name especially for me. He calls me MiMi. I haven't a clue why. His grandmothers are Grammy and Nanny. He knows my name is Lori. Last summer he just started calling me MiMi. It thrills me! Regarding his love for me, it is possible that he loves me because I think everything he does is splendid and I believe in candy. And yet, I know it's more and I just receive his love as a gift. Which I, in turn, give back to him in ways that he can feel with his heart and his perfectly porcelain skin.

I'm demanding of God. I learned from studying the Psalms, in particular, that I'm one in a long line of others who just talk to God and sometimes, quite unwisely, ask God to show up and be God. And yet, when it comes to asking Him to demonstrate His love, He's never failed. I believe with all my being that He delights in responding to love demands.

This love story is nestled inside so many other love stories. Most importantly it's just another page in the story of God's love. He was responding to an earlier conversation with me. The astonishing part is that He used two more family members to demonstrate that love. He nudged Jenny's ever sensitive heart and said something like,


G -"Hey! Why don't you buy some flowers and candy and let Brenner give them to Lori?"

She listened and said,
J- "Sure. And I'll practice with Brenner and have him tell her something special."

Jenny didn't know about my private conversation with God. She just listened and responded to a prompting within her heart. And, I, with just a few years of experience in recognizing and knowing God's voice, His style, and His signature, knew in that split second that He was showing up in the form of a child to lavish me with enthusiastic touch, tangible, beautiful gifts, ending in a hushed child's voice, "Lori, I love you."

My response back to Him now is to tell a few others about how tenderly and perfectly God loves His children. He is who He says He is. He has a love story to tell and wants us to be a part of it. That's amazing.